When I speak about apology, people often ask me what to do when they feel wronged by someone but that person refuses to apologize. What I recommend is giving that person every opportunity to apologize by clearly and non-judgmentally stating your experience and why you are upset. Then wait.
There are no guarantees.
I am experiencing this situation first-hand. A literary agent who represented me on one of my books hasn't paid me the royalties I earned and refuses to even talk to me about it, much less apologize. In 2004 I entered into a typical literary agency agreement with Susan Barry of the Barry/Swayne Literary Agency for a career book that was subsequently published by McGraw-Hill as How to Ace the Brainteaser Interview. The terms of the agreement were typical. The publisher would send the literary agent the author's earned royalties. The literary agent is supposed to ensure that the sums are correct, deduct 15% as its fee, and remit the balance to the author. According to the records of McGraw-Hill's Royalty Department, between 2004 and 2008, Susan Barry received $7,033.01 earned by the book I wrote. I have no record of any payment from Susan Barry.
Susan Barry has since folded the Barry/Swayne Agency and she is now working as an executive editorial director for Kaplan Publishing, a respected New York-based publisher of educational material.
In the past six months, I have reached out to Susan Barry by certified letter, telephone, and email. I know she received my letters because she accepted receipt. I also had an email with Susan Barry's assistant, who indicated she is aware of my messages. Still, I haven't been able to communicate with Susan.
We have several options when we feel wronged and the person we feel wronged by refuses to discuss the matter. Sometimes we use the legal system to force the conversation. Patients who are hurt by medical error by doctors who refuse to talk to them often feel they have little choice but to sue. I'll consider my legal options, but the court system is a blunt instrument. I may eventually extract from her the money I think she owes me, but I can't count on it to give me what I really want: Susan Barry's apology and a sense of closure to this betrayal.
When someone desires an apology that is not forthcoming, my book suggests that the person write out the apology he or she wants. So let me end the blog by doing for myself what I suggest for others. I'd be pleased to receive the following apology from Susan Barry:
John, I have failed you. By agreeing to be your agent, I promised to look after your interests. Instead, I put my interests above yours. I accepted the money that you earned and kept it for myself. Then, instead of resolving the matter with you, I avoided you. I have no excuse. I apologize. I intend to return every penny of what I owe you. I feel ashamed that I treated you with such discourtesy and I hope that one day in the future after I have repaid you in full that you will be able to consider forgiving me.
That's an apology I can accept.
I'll keep you informed.
