Therapy often simply puts the light on.  The difference between being in a dark room and not knowing what is in there with you, and having the lights on and being able to name things.  Sometimes therapy can nurture you; give you a comforting supporting parent's voice that you have not had and help you internalize that voice.  Sometimes it means being less alone on the journey and being seen.  Your thoughts will be clearer and you'll know yourself better. As a result, you'll feel stronger and more resilient.

Therapy can help you as a partner because you will have a place to talk about the things going on in your life as a couple without violating the trust of the survivor.  It will help you to depersonalize things that may have nothing to do with you and at the same time it is essential that your partner not be the identified problem and patient.  Not everything is about your partner's abuse; therapy can help clarify that.  Because issues arise for anyone in a relationship, therapy will also give you a safe place to work on these issues.

Sexual abuse happens in silence. In contrast, traumas in functional and non- abusive families are discussed and shared.  Death, divorce, illness are validated by conversation, comfort, and just being in the open.  No one is talking about what goes on in an abusive family.  A skilled therapist can help label things for you, stop normalizing what you have been calling dysfunction and name it as abuse, help you clarify the aftermath of what you have been left with and help you understand that no matter what you have told, it could never, ever, have been your fault and that you never deserved any of it.  Therapy, just by the act of talking is an antidote for the years of silence. 

A few days ago, I received a call from someone who had been eyeing my website and mulling over the idea of therapy for a while. Gradually she described her situation, closing in from the position of a consumer making a smart shopping decision to someone in pain and clearly in need of help. After another 10 minutes of talk, she took the plunge and set up a session. A moment before we hung up she said, "Wait! What should I expect?"

And that's a great question. A first appointment should help you decide if the therapist is someone you want to work with.  It doesn't matter how long you are planning to be in therapy or what your presenting issue might be. The question is this: "Can the therapist help you grow?"

You'll get your first clue the moment you walk in the door,  before any words are spoken. It's the "vibes" you get from the therapist's office. Is the space comfortable for you?  Safe, inviting, private and a place where you could imagine spending time sharing who you are as well as your deepest pains?  (I once did a consult in an office where the chairs were so far apart it made me wonder if this person really wanted to be close to anyone!) If you don't feel good in the physical space, your sessions won't feel good either.  

Assuming the space feels right to you, it all comes down to the therapist. Do you like this person?  Is he or she warm? Do you have a sense of personality?  Do you want someone who you feel warmth towards, or do you want someone more distant who does not give out any information about themselves and just focuses on you? For some people, warmth and empathy is essential; others want the therapist to be blank and unknown

Emoting aside, is the therapist encouraging? At the bottom end of the scale, one client relayed to me how a prospective therapist told her that only when she could stop being a "crybaby about her childhood" would she be "ready" for therapy.  Ouch--as if abuse is something you just stop "crying" about, like spilled milk! You should NEVER leave a consult feeling hopeless or as if the therapist doesn't want to work with you.  And never leave feeling unsafe. Go with your gut instincts.

Finally, after the appointment you should not feel as if the therapist is pressuring you to decide if you want to sign on for more sessions.  You shouldn't feel that the therapist is disappointed if you need time to think it over and figure out if you want to come back.  And you should NEVER leave with an uneasy feeling that if you don't come back you are in deep emotional trouble.  

The bottom line: This is YOUR therapy, and YOU get to make the decisions!. 

 

 

You've finally gotten up the nerve--calling or emailing a therapist. If you're calling, part of you is hoping the therapist WON'T be there, so you can leave a message. Emailing feels safer because you'll only reveal the scantest of information, like "Interested in your services, can you call?" Then your phone number. (Given the issues with email security, you SHOULDN'T leave any more than that.) But how will you know if this person is the right one? Here are some general guidelines:

1. Response Time.  How quickly did a prospective therapist return your call or email? If you haven't heard back within 72 hours, and the therapist wasn't on vacation, he or she may not have time for you.
2. Quality of the response. How much time did the therapist spend answering your questions? Did he or she give you a sense of who they are?  Did you feel rushed with no explanation. Or does the person say something like, "I have a 2 pm client so I only have 10 minutes, but can we schedule a mutually convenient time to talk later?"
3. No pressure.  Once you have made the call it is up to you to set the appointment.  They should not be contacting you to see if you have decided if you want to set up an initial consult.  Any further contact should be initiated by you.
4. Experience.  Do they have experience in the issues you need?  Have they worked with similar issues?  How much experience is a legitimate question to ask? 

Ultimately, it comes down to chemistry-- the relationship between you and the therapist. The therapist may have answered your questions in a timely way and provided the info you want. He or she may have great credentials.  But even so, you need to follow your gut about whether you want to invite the person on your journey. And if it doesn't work out, that's OK--don't clobber yourself because the choice wasn't right. Just learn from the experience and move on. You CAN find the right therapist, someone who will help you heal and grow.

1. No child asks for sex.  Children want to be children -- playing with toys or playing baseball or with their friends.  If you give them a choice between kid's activities and sex they will choose anything but sex.  But no abuser gives them a choice.
2. Children are not sexually precocious.  They don't create a sexual situation with an adult.  No child is responsible for anything sexual with an adult.  EVER.  If they have sexual knowledge that is "precocious" it is because someone has sexualized them or exposed them to things inappropriate for children.
3. Regardless of with whom, how often, how much, or which sexual activities, a child's world has been devastated, violated, and damaged.  They now know that the world is a dangerous  place.  And they will never be the same.
4. Teenagers do not want sex with adults.  Teenagers want to figure sex out for themselves; they want to come into their sexuality on their own time and with people of their own choosing. 
5. Sexual abuse changes normal development.  Kids who have been sexually abused know things in a way their peers do not.  They have first hand knowledge of things kids talk about.
6. It doesn't matter if there was penetration or not.  It doesn't matter if there is touching or not.  Kids know when they have been violated.   It is all wrong and damaging. And it impacts everything. 
   

Several years ago, I ran an incest survivor's support group that had been meeting for a long time.  During one session, a participant admitted that she felt everyone out there in the world had been to a class on living, on that she had somehow missed.   She felt like she lacked information that others just seemed to have.  Everyone in the room shook their heads and agreed that they, too, felt that way. 

Families that abuse their children do NOT take care of their children.  That means the survivors of abuse are not privy to the information that typically gets passed along by love, communication, hanging out and talking, and spending time together.  The dinner table is not a warm friendly place where there is sharing and intimacy.

Back to the group. I encouraged people to talk about what they didn't know and had been afraid to ask. One person wanted to know how often you change the sheets on your bed.  Another person asked why it wasn't OK to leave your children home alone when they were little; she knew it wasn't right to do so, but didn't know why.  Some questions were more complex or abstract, like how you knew if you loved someone, should you see your abusive family, and should you confront your abuser. 

One of the reasons groups and therapy are so essential for survivors of childhood abuse is that it lessens the isolation and all the effects of that isolation -- including the feeling that everyone is operating with information that you don't have.  Ask your questions and don't be ashamed.  You need to be aware that you are NOT the only person who doesn't know some of the basics of day to day living.  The good news is that the basics can be easily learned.    It's never too late!

You will never be someone who was not abused and you will never be someone who had an easy childhood.  Healing cannot change that.  Your present and future, however, can be different.  And your present and future can be easier, happier, and fulfilling.

Good therapy with a good therapist is crucial for healing. There is the necessity of someone hearing your story, believing your story and helping  you to know it was not your fault. There was nothing at all you could do to stop what happened, no matter what anyone has told you.

For a survivor of abuse, working with a therapist who truly knows you and cares about you can make an enormous difference in the healing process.  Feeling protected and nurtured is something everyone needs and it is not too late to get those essentials. You can learn to trust yourself by working with a therapist who tells you when you are walking into danger and what skills you need to keep yourself safe. 

While all therapists take different approaches, I have found that it is not necessary to tell and relive every detail of your story. But when you talk about your experience -- the feelings, grief, and anger -- with someone you trust, you can finally stop retraumatizing yourself. The telling become cathartic and therefore healing. 

I would never do this kind of work if people did not get better, if life did not change. At some point the therapy begins to shift from trauma work to complaints about your boss, your partner, just day-to-day living. That's when I know you've turned the corner.

Early on in my practice, I began offering groups for partners of survivors of sexual abuse.  It didn't matter if it was same sex or opposite sex couples and it didn't seem to matter if the partners were men or women.  The issues and patterns were familiar to everyone.  They started with a lot of sex until the relationship deepened or the couple moved in together, then everything changed. Sex meant cajoling, feeling like offenders themselves, and  confusing mixed messages (come close, go away).  Always lots of hurt.

For the partner, the feeling of talking to someone who isn't there, feeling close and then feeling pushed away, often in the same moment, can be baffling.  And feeling like you're being asked to pay for something you had nothing to do with can generate tremendous anger, resentment, frustration, and feelings of inadequacy or helplessness.  Not to mention the feelings that arise if the survivor is still involved with his/her abuser (there you are at Thanksgiving dinner together...).

Sadly, partners of survivors of sexual abuse often don't talk to anyone about their feelings--they're too ashamed of the issues they're grappling with. This is the worst thing they can do because either a potentially good relationship will be doomed or they'll hang onto an unworkable relationship far too long.  So if you're in this situation, I urge you to consider individual counseling or a group. Whatever therapy route appeals to you, your main goal should be to learn to set boundaries for yourself.  You can suggest going out to dinner and not talking about child abuse or about therapy - without feeling guilty or that you're pretending there's no proverbial elephant in the room. You can make plans with other people and take time for yourself--without feeling like you're abandoning your partner.  And you can learn to be a supportive partner without feeling like you must lose yourself and put your own needs on indefinite hold.

For certain, abuse leaves deep scars (some that may never fully heal). But an abuse history doesn't mean someone is incapable of deep love and deep commitment.  It does mean that as a partner you'll need to have the patience of saint and be willing to do seemingly Herculean tasks.  But for the right person, that effort may well be worth it.