April 2009 Archives

1. No child asks for sex.  Children want to be children -- playing with toys or playing baseball or with their friends.  If you give them a choice between kid's activities and sex they will choose anything but sex.  But no abuser gives them a choice.
2. Children are not sexually precocious.  They don't create a sexual situation with an adult.  No child is responsible for anything sexual with an adult.  EVER.  If they have sexual knowledge that is "precocious" it is because someone has sexualized them or exposed them to things inappropriate for children.
3. Regardless of with whom, how often, how much, or which sexual activities, a child's world has been devastated, violated, and damaged.  They now know that the world is a dangerous  place.  And they will never be the same.
4. Teenagers do not want sex with adults.  Teenagers want to figure sex out for themselves; they want to come into their sexuality on their own time and with people of their own choosing. 
5. Sexual abuse changes normal development.  Kids who have been sexually abused know things in a way their peers do not.  They have first hand knowledge of things kids talk about.
6. It doesn't matter if there was penetration or not.  It doesn't matter if there is touching or not.  Kids know when they have been violated.   It is all wrong and damaging. And it impacts everything. 
   

Several years ago, I ran an incest survivor's support group that had been meeting for a long time.  During one session, a participant admitted that she felt everyone out there in the world had been to a class on living, on that she had somehow missed.   She felt like she lacked information that others just seemed to have.  Everyone in the room shook their heads and agreed that they, too, felt that way. 

Families that abuse their children do NOT take care of their children.  That means the survivors of abuse are not privy to the information that typically gets passed along by love, communication, hanging out and talking, and spending time together.  The dinner table is not a warm friendly place where there is sharing and intimacy.

Back to the group. I encouraged people to talk about what they didn't know and had been afraid to ask. One person wanted to know how often you change the sheets on your bed.  Another person asked why it wasn't OK to leave your children home alone when they were little; she knew it wasn't right to do so, but didn't know why.  Some questions were more complex or abstract, like how you knew if you loved someone, should you see your abusive family, and should you confront your abuser. 

One of the reasons groups and therapy are so essential for survivors of childhood abuse is that it lessens the isolation and all the effects of that isolation -- including the feeling that everyone is operating with information that you don't have.  Ask your questions and don't be ashamed.  You need to be aware that you are NOT the only person who doesn't know some of the basics of day to day living.  The good news is that the basics can be easily learned.    It's never too late!

You will never be someone who was not abused and you will never be someone who had an easy childhood.  Healing cannot change that.  Your present and future, however, can be different.  And your present and future can be easier, happier, and fulfilling.

Good therapy with a good therapist is crucial for healing. There is the necessity of someone hearing your story, believing your story and helping  you to know it was not your fault. There was nothing at all you could do to stop what happened, no matter what anyone has told you.

For a survivor of abuse, working with a therapist who truly knows you and cares about you can make an enormous difference in the healing process.  Feeling protected and nurtured is something everyone needs and it is not too late to get those essentials. You can learn to trust yourself by working with a therapist who tells you when you are walking into danger and what skills you need to keep yourself safe. 

While all therapists take different approaches, I have found that it is not necessary to tell and relive every detail of your story. But when you talk about your experience -- the feelings, grief, and anger -- with someone you trust, you can finally stop retraumatizing yourself. The telling become cathartic and therefore healing. 

I would never do this kind of work if people did not get better, if life did not change. At some point the therapy begins to shift from trauma work to complaints about your boss, your partner, just day-to-day living. That's when I know you've turned the corner.

Early on in my practice, I began offering groups for partners of survivors of sexual abuse.  It didn't matter if it was same sex or opposite sex couples and it didn't seem to matter if the partners were men or women.  The issues and patterns were familiar to everyone.  They started with a lot of sex until the relationship deepened or the couple moved in together, then everything changed. Sex meant cajoling, feeling like offenders themselves, and  confusing mixed messages (come close, go away).  Always lots of hurt.

For the partner, the feeling of talking to someone who isn't there, feeling close and then feeling pushed away, often in the same moment, can be baffling.  And feeling like you're being asked to pay for something you had nothing to do with can generate tremendous anger, resentment, frustration, and feelings of inadequacy or helplessness.  Not to mention the feelings that arise if the survivor is still involved with his/her abuser (there you are at Thanksgiving dinner together...).

Sadly, partners of survivors of sexual abuse often don't talk to anyone about their feelings--they're too ashamed of the issues they're grappling with. This is the worst thing they can do because either a potentially good relationship will be doomed or they'll hang onto an unworkable relationship far too long.  So if you're in this situation, I urge you to consider individual counseling or a group. Whatever therapy route appeals to you, your main goal should be to learn to set boundaries for yourself.  You can suggest going out to dinner and not talking about child abuse or about therapy - without feeling guilty or that you're pretending there's no proverbial elephant in the room. You can make plans with other people and take time for yourself--without feeling like you're abandoning your partner.  And you can learn to be a supportive partner without feeling like you must lose yourself and put your own needs on indefinite hold.

For certain, abuse leaves deep scars (some that may never fully heal). But an abuse history doesn't mean someone is incapable of deep love and deep commitment.  It does mean that as a partner you'll need to have the patience of saint and be willing to do seemingly Herculean tasks.  But for the right person, that effort may well be worth it.