June 2009 Archives

A few days ago, I received a call from someone who had been eyeing my website and mulling over the idea of therapy for a while. Gradually she described her situation, closing in from the position of a consumer making a smart shopping decision to someone in pain and clearly in need of help. After another 10 minutes of talk, she took the plunge and set up a session. A moment before we hung up she said, "Wait! What should I expect?"

And that's a great question. A first appointment should help you decide if the therapist is someone you want to work with.  It doesn't matter how long you are planning to be in therapy or what your presenting issue might be. The question is this: "Can the therapist help you grow?"

You'll get your first clue the moment you walk in the door,  before any words are spoken. It's the "vibes" you get from the therapist's office. Is the space comfortable for you?  Safe, inviting, private and a place where you could imagine spending time sharing who you are as well as your deepest pains?  (I once did a consult in an office where the chairs were so far apart it made me wonder if this person really wanted to be close to anyone!) If you don't feel good in the physical space, your sessions won't feel good either.  

Assuming the space feels right to you, it all comes down to the therapist. Do you like this person?  Is he or she warm? Do you have a sense of personality?  Do you want someone who you feel warmth towards, or do you want someone more distant who does not give out any information about themselves and just focuses on you? For some people, warmth and empathy is essential; others want the therapist to be blank and unknown

Emoting aside, is the therapist encouraging? At the bottom end of the scale, one client relayed to me how a prospective therapist told her that only when she could stop being a "crybaby about her childhood" would she be "ready" for therapy.  Ouch--as if abuse is something you just stop "crying" about, like spilled milk! You should NEVER leave a consult feeling hopeless or as if the therapist doesn't want to work with you.  And never leave feeling unsafe. Go with your gut instincts.

Finally, after the appointment you should not feel as if the therapist is pressuring you to decide if you want to sign on for more sessions.  You shouldn't feel that the therapist is disappointed if you need time to think it over and figure out if you want to come back.  And you should NEVER leave with an uneasy feeling that if you don't come back you are in deep emotional trouble.  

The bottom line: This is YOUR therapy, and YOU get to make the decisions!. 

You've finally gotten up the nerve--calling or emailing a therapist. If you're calling, part of you is hoping the therapist WON'T be there, so you can leave a message. Emailing feels safer because you'll only reveal the scantest of information, like "Interested in your services, can you call?" Then your phone number. (Given the issues with email security, you SHOULDN'T leave any more than that.) But how will you know if this person is the right one? Here are some general guidelines:

1. Response Time.  How quickly did a prospective therapist return your call or email? If you haven't heard back within 72 hours, and the therapist wasn't on vacation, he or she may not have time for you.
2. Quality of the response. How much time did the therapist spend answering your questions? Did he or she give you a sense of who they are?  Did you feel rushed with no explanation. Or does the person say something like, "I have a 2 pm client so I only have 10 minutes, but can we schedule a mutually convenient time to talk later?"
3. No pressure.  Once you have made the call it is up to you to set the appointment.  They should not be contacting you to see if you have decided if you want to set up an initial consult.  Any further contact should be initiated by you.
4. Experience.  Do they have experience in the issues you need?  Have they worked with similar issues?  How much experience is a legitimate question to ask? 

Ultimately, it comes down to chemistry-- the relationship between you and the therapist. The therapist may have answered your questions in a timely way and provided the info you want. He or she may have great credentials.  But even so, you need to follow your gut about whether you want to invite the person on your journey. And if it doesn't work out, that's OK--don't clobber yourself because the choice wasn't right. Just learn from the experience and move on. You CAN find the right therapist, someone who will help you heal and grow.